The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.