My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.