Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Just how popey was the pope today?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.