I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
CRYING
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.