For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did