What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.