Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
oh shit
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid