[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Hey i am sexy to you now
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
We found love in a hopeless place.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.