chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
drew a comic about my origin story
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
#Caturday
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.