Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it