Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The prophecy is fulfilled
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This was a bad idea all around
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy