I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Yeah. This was me today.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.