if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The fall of Netflix
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.