Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)