Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*checks Timeline*…
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
This meal prepping shit easy
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When you’re Kinky but poor
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people