I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
You Might Also Like
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Wait a minute
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Wednesday
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now