Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.