To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Love it! 👍😂
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.