Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts