“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Why is this me 😫
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.