your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.