[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars