Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past