I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it