My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.