Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.