Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Denise please return my vape pen
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.