what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The Assassin.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.