ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.