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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Lmbo
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.