Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
constantly working on myself.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew