For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
bought wrong eggs
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
This line from Airplane.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.