“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean