Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!