Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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Me: Same
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.