Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I think my mom just blocked me
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.