Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.