Put the is in disheveled
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Employees must applaud the planets.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I love it all
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
That’s amazing.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.