Brands during Pride
You Might Also Like
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.