*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
😍😂🥰😂😍
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time