bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m giving up for Lent.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Its a hippotatomus
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”