Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.