It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I don’t know what to do
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE