she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Hard not to take this personally
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho