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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.