[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.