me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “