No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Beware…..
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?