*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
When I said I liked it rough.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…