wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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You had me at “define legal”.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
not seeing the problem
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)